Monty C.

2020 was probably the worst year of my life. As if Covid, the "lockdown" and everything that came with it weren't bad enough, my then-wife decided it was a good time to divorce me. I was absolutely devastated. I moved in with some friends and they let me live there for 6 weeks until I could get an apartment. I felt like I had lost everything. I was 62 and it seemed like my life meant nothing. Every night I would wake up around 2am and couldn't go back to sleep. All I could do was lay there and grieve. During the day, I would have songs running through my head that wouldn't stop playing over and over. And they weren't songs I had heard before...They were songs I was writing in my head...And they were all about my heartache and pain. This went on for weeks, and I felt helpless to make it all stop. I started contemplating suicide. I tried to think of someway I could do it, without it being painful, and not hurt anyone else. I tried praying, but all I could ask God to do was take me. "Please God, let me die." 

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One day while living with my friends, I went to a sporting good store and looked at guns. I saw one I thought might get the job done, but when I looked for bullets the shelves were empty. I ended up walking out of the store empty handed. I decided I had no choice but to try and get through it....to stick it out. I continued to pray and ask God what He wanted me to do. I never heard audible voices, but I knew He had heard me. And let me just say, I'm not one to act like I'm a "spiritual person" or even "religious." But I DO pray, and I started having people message and email me, and they were offering their prayers and support. I spent a lot of time talking to friends who cared about me...and THAT support and love made me feel like my life still had meaning.

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Another thing that happened that helped me get through everything, was I started getting all kinds of commissions to do paintings for people. I had never been so busy with my art. It was truly a God-thing. And the more I worked on my paintings, the more I was able to focus on something positive. Yes, I went through many months of grieving, and it was painful to suddenly be alone...but I gradually started seeing that it was actually for the best. I gradually realized I had been in a very toxic place for years, and now God was opening a new door. I had a very good friend who would message me everyday during that time and he would say, "God is clearing a path for you. Stay on the path." I will never forget those words. They gave me such hope. So my thoughts on coping? Reach out to people who truly care. Reach out to God. And try to throw yourself into something that motivates you. Try to replace your pain, stress, or unhappiness, with something positive. Be proactive.